各位英语达人能不能帮我看看这篇自我介绍有没有语法问题, 帮忙修改后提交. 谢谢!!!!!

hello, everyone! Very glad to take part in the game. (My mother is happy all day for this matter)Let me introduce myself! My name's Win.I’m a student in a very beautiful school called Guangming High School and I am in Grade 8. As you see, I'm a girl. And I'm 14. When i'm a student in Grade 6,I tried to enter this game. But i was eliminated. What a pity! Tody, i try my best again, i hope i can go further. emm.. i love singing(although i may sing bad) i can play guitar. but i can't play very well. i'm very lively and optimistic. And i love to laugh. i hope you will support me! thanks a lot .
会显得过于笼统吗?

1. hello, everyone!
→ 如果这是个比较正式的比赛,那么建议用正式的问候语,如: Good evening/moring/afternoon, ladies and gentlemen!

2.Very glad to take part in the game. (My mother is happy all day for this matter)
1)game是指你所参加的比赛吧?那么可能用 competition会比较好点。。。。the改为this(因为句子里面并没有先行词,个人看法,仅供参考)。
→ I'm really glad that I have the chance to take part in this competition.
2) 后面说mother那句去掉,这句起不到搞气氛的作用就不需要用了,给人感觉很怪和思维有点乱。

3. Let me introduce myself.
个人觉得可以去掉了,你上去讲话就是要自我介绍,这句有点多余。当然,也可以要,不过前面加一个 Now,会自然点。
→ Now, let me introduce myself.

4.I’m a student in a very beautiful school called Guangming High School and I am in Grade 8.
→ 改为 I'm a Grade 8 student in Guangming High School.

5.As you see, I'm a girl. And I'm 14. When i'm a student in Grade 6,I tried to enter this game. But i was eliminated. What a pity! Tody, i try my best again, i hope i can go further. emm.
这一段,个人感觉可以去掉换别的话题。自我介绍时间短,所以必须言简意赅地抛出自己的闪亮点。而这一段话的闪亮点就是,你已经是第二次参赛。无形中,其实只能反映出你参赛经验比别人丰富,那评委心里可能对你的要求会暗暗地提高了。这段话可以换成是展现你的性格优点(如乐于助人或者喜欢团队合作等等),也可以是说说你喜欢的电影、书、名言、或者名人。但必须给出你喜欢的理由,而且这个理由是阳光的,积极向上的,如果这理由显得特别的话,很容易抓住听者的注意力。

6.i love singing(although i may sing bad) i can play guitar. but i can't play very well. i'm very lively and optimistic. And i love to laugh. i hope you will support me! thanks a lot .
自我介绍,个人觉得不宜减弱自己的优势。这里although i may sing bad和but i can't play very well 都可以去掉了 (虽然我知道你是好孩纸,谦逊和诚实,囧)。

改为→ Actually, being a high school student, sometimes I would be under pressure. Music is my good friend. In my spare time, I love singing and playing the guitar. Enjoying music is a nice way to say 'goodbye' to all the pressures and worries. It is said that smile girls are lucky. Hope this works on me because I love smiling all the time. Thank you.

自我介绍往往是参加比赛的第一步,第一印象非常重要,所以一定要有亮点才能让人一下记住你。Good luck = )
温馨提示:答案为网友推荐,仅供参考
第1个回答  2012-10-16
1. 加入社团等组织用“take part in",加入游戏活动用“join”。
2. “matter”用的不好,换一个表示活动或游戏的其他词。
3‘ 如你所见,我是一个女孩’中,加一个形容词:I'm a ( ) girl 更好些。
4. 好多I 应大写
5. play guitar 中少了the,乐器前加the,球类前不加the.
6. 倒数第二行"but i can't play very well."改为"But I can't play it very well"
7. 是不是加一句"Let me be your friend"更好一些。
第2个回答  2012-10-13
I'm very glad......,this matter中matter用的不恰当,应该是saying badly,play the guitar,play the 加乐器名,总体来说还可以但有点中式英语的味道追问

那可以帮我把"中式英语"修改一下吗? 谢谢了!!!!!!!!! 还有,有点不明白你的意思...

追答

在你这个年龄这样写已经可以了,中式英语就是纯粹将汉语翻译成英文,按照说汉语的习惯说英语,有点太生硬,但这也是很多学生的通病,我也犯过,加强阅读加强写作就会提高

本回答被提问者采纳
相似回答